“Hashem doesn’t judge us on the result — He’s looking, with loving eyes, at the effort”

My Solution: Choose! [The Conversation Continues / Issue 984]

I resonated deeply with the story about a divorced young woman who feels pain at the support her newly widowed friend is receiving while she received nothing but judgment, and with the perspectives of a number of women who shared their thoughts on the story.

As a childless divorcée of a number of years who’s still waiting to find her bashert, I feel a part of both the divorced women and the older singles of our society. I want to share another piece that wasn’t mentioned. When I was married and felt stifled, unsafe, and gasping for breath, I remember a scary thought crossing my mind. I imagined an accident where HaKadosh Baruch Hu would take my husband.

What I wanted even more than support was clarity. I wanted to know for a fact that it’s a gezeirah for me to have to find a zivug sheini. I didn’t want to be the one to choose it upon myself.

I felt that I couldn’t survive in my marriage. And still I was afraid to take the step. I believed it was bad. I believed it represented weakness. Eventually, after months of suffering, with my rav’s encouragement, I found the strength and left. There were questions and judgment from those closest to me. And still today, I get asked: Do you ever regret your decision? If you knew how hard shidduchim are the second time around, would you still do it?

I feel like our society simply doesn’t realize that people divorce when they can’t live in their marriage, even if you as an outsider see nothing wrong with their spouse. Today, I know that it was a gezeirah. One that didn’t just involve grief and acceptance. It involved another more challenging step. The choice. I chose to walk into life, even when society thought I chose a challenge that could have been avoided. It’s a choice I made with immense courage.

Being single as a girl, divorcée, or almanah is a gezeirah that is determined by HaKadosh Baruch Hu, whether society wants to support us or not. Being judged is hard. Shidduchim are hard. Not having a family at this age is hard. It makes us feel separated from society.

Still, I’m happy that our lives revolve around family. It should be that way. I choose to enjoy my extended family as I await to build my own. I cry when I’m sad. I seek support from close mentors and friends.

And to the older single who wrote that there are no solutions. I want to tell you The Solution. Choose. You have a place in Klal Yisrael. Choose to listen to HaKadosh Baruch Hu’s judgment; He will always support you. Choose to follow the Torah; it was given also to singles. Choose to smile; there is always someone who needs it. Choose to give; so many are in need of your energy. Choose to daven; every tefillah has value, even when we feel burned out. Choose to hope; as long as there’s life, there’s hope and HaKadosh Baruch Hu is beyond limits. I hope that our society can learn to respect us for the strength we had to choose this situation. Until then, lift your shoulders and give yourself some credit for the choices you’ve made.

Name Withheld

What About Positive Reinforcement? [To Be Honest / Issue 984]

I appreciated the thoughtful article about the importance of letting children experience effort and responsibility rather than smoothing out every path and removing every obstacle. Many of the examples rang very true, and I found myself nodding along with several of the points.

However, I was a little bothered by the opening anecdote. “Moishy,” newly inaugurated into his job as Friday sweeper, “began with gusto, enthusiastic about his new job,” which sounds like a great response to a new responsibility! However, when he finished, he was told, “You missed this spot, try again.” When the second and it sounds like, third attempts were also met with correction and redirection, a meltdown followed.

It’s not surprising that a child who began the task with enthusiasm left it feeling deflated. I couldn’t help wondering what might have happened if the initial response had been different — if Moishy’s effort had first been met with praise and appreciation, even if the job wasn’t perfect, and if his mother had pointed out the parts he’d done well, and maybe quietly finished the job herself.

Recently, I decided to introduce “Friday jobs” to my kids. The first week, I sat with them and literally handheld or did it alongside them. Did it take longer? Yes. Could I have used the time for other things on a short Friday? Absolutely. Were the results less perfect than if I’d have done it alone? Oh, for sure. But that wasn’t the point.

The point was training them to have this responsibility.

And then we followed up with tremendous positive reinforcement. The entire Shabbos, whenever we used something a child had prepared, I sang their praises. “Look how helpful it is to have xyz prepared! Thank you to So-and-So for making it so easy for us!” “Wow, I’m so happy this room is so organized. Thank you So- and-So for making Shabbos so pleasant for everyone!”

By week four, my kids ran inside, with their coats still on, asking to do their jobs.

R.S.

These Are the Life Skills We Need [To Be Honest / Issue 984]

Thank you, Devorah Avrukin, for an excellent article, The Skills No One’s Grading, on the importance of teaching emotional skills to our children. I read the article four times. The first time I read it, I nodded my head throughout. The second time, I paused between each skill and thought back to the times in my life when that skill was important. The third time, I made myself a promise to reach out and get permission to share it with the staff members and families in the school where I work. The fourth time I read it, I thanked Hashem for the thousands and thousands of messages I’ve tried to impart to my children and students about what really matters in life. It’s not the grades, it’s not the gifts Hashem blessed you with (high IQ, natural beauty, extraordinary talent, money), it’s the behaviors you work on yourself that make you the best you possible.

When my five daughters were starting shidduchim and came to me with their lists, I told them all the same thing, “Turn the list over and imagine this scenario: It’s 2:30 am. The new baby has been screaming for hours. You can’t move. What matters then?” or “You have guests and everything is perfect. During Kiddush, your six-year-old knocks over the wine bottle, causing a ripple effect of a disaster on the beautifully set table. What matters then?” The scenarios are endless and they happen every day.

Mothers, teachers, principals — please go back and read the article. The absolute biggest favor you can do for your children is support them (either by yourself or with the help of others) in learning the skills that are truly needed. The brains Hashem gave me (TYH!) weren’t helpful when I was diagnosed with cancer with eight children still living at home. They also weren’t helpful when my son stopped keeping Shabbos. But the other gifts I was able to work on and cultivate, those of emotional regulation, cognitive flexibility, boundaries, and communication — those are the skills that made, and continue to make, all the difference.

Hashem doesn’t judge us on the result — He’s looking, with loving eyes, at the effort. And we must make intentional and real efforts to support our children, our students, and ourselves in these areas. Because if we don’t, life will. And life isn’t always the easiest teacher.

Ahuvah Heyman

Bnos Yisroel of Baltimore

She Did the Same Thing That She Criticized [Measuring Up / Issue 984]

I read the short story “Measuring Up” about the high school teacher who lost a lot of weight and shortly after received a promotion, with great interest. I really empathized with the protagonist Raizy until I realized she did pretty much the same thing she accused her principal of doing and judged her students by a number. She rewarded her class with a special treat (black-and-white cookies, no less) if they all scored above a 90 on the Chumash test. What about the poor girl who really, really tries, but is overlooked for her efforts and is judged solely by her test score? And what would happen if because of that girl’s low score, the class didn’t get their reward?

Being passed over for not being an acceptable size even though you’re a super teacher and messing it up for your whole class because you didn’t get the desired number on your test are both examples of being judged by externals. No class should be rewarded for a number just like no teacher should be rewarded for her girth (or loss of it).

Miriam Schiff

Brooklyn 

Winter Running Gear [Family Living / Issue 984]

Wonderfully written article on proper gear for winter running! I’d like to add a few more pieces that are essential to running in cold weather, or for any other winter outdoor activity . First of all, wool is your best friend! Wool is temperature regulating, and more importantly, moisture wicking. Dampness in cotton becomes very cold, very fast. A wool neck gaiter is lifesaving for wind and when pulled over the mouth and nose, keeps your breath and body warm.

Gloves are imperative. Look for a fleece-lined mitten or a dual-layered wool glove. And lastly, wool socks are equally beneficial for dry warm feet. Smartwool is an excellent brand. Wool can be pricey, but will last you for years! The right pieces of kit are key for successful and more importantly, fun outdoor adventures!

Mimi Sharaby

Laughed Out Loud [Windows / Issue 983]

I absolutely loved Adina Kaplan’s article about how she manages to pull Purim together last minute. As a fellow wife/mom trying to juggle it all living in Jerusalem, I’ve never felt so seen. She not only completely encapsulated the life of a Jewish woman just trying to make it work, but she got a few genuine laugh-out-louds in the process.

Joelle Benlolo

Jerusalem, Israel 

Day of Difficulty [Connections / 983]

In her answer to the woman who doesn’t like Purim, Sarah Chana Radcliffe mentions doing it for Hashem “because I want to fulfill the mitzvos I’ve learned about.” It’s important to note that the specific issues the woman mentioned, like making fancy mishloach manos or hosting a large seudah, which other women surely struggle with as well, aren’t actually mitzvos. We have a mitzvah of seudah, not hosting family. A mitzvah to give at least one person two food items, not to pack creative mishloach manos. There’s a minhag to dress up, but none to come up with creative ideas for kid’s costumes.

As in so many areas of frum life, we often lose sight of the division between what is indeed obligatory, holy, and connecting... and the “rules” and expectations of frum society. While these actions may be desirable for the woman’s self-esteem, her position in her family or community, or her kids’ enjoyment of the chag, she can differentiate between what is necessary and what she chooses to do to balance her natural skill set and her desire to create a positive experience for her family.

Chava Katz

It’s a Mitzvah [POV / Issue 983]

The tone of the POV article about whether or not parents allow their kids to go collecting bothered me. We’re talking about the great mitzvah of tzedakah! If you’re not comfortable with your kids collecting, at least say, I wish I could let my kids go out and help their yeshivah, this wonderful organization, but I don’t feel it’s safe, he’s not responsible enough, etc.

Know this though: Behind every big and little organization, there is a real person scratching his head trying to think how they can bring in more money to help the growing amount of desperate and needy people calling.

All these brochures with fancy prizes make me uncomfortable, too. But when my kids come home with their prize for collecting, I say, “Wow. This is a special prize! This came from the immense effort you put in to collect and thereby help your yeshivah spread more Torah!”

And by the way, aren’t you also motivated to give more for the prize? Are you going to the auction committee when you win the $5,000 Visa card and saying, “I gave tzedakah because I wanted the organization to benefit. Please keep the money.” Are you going to tell them that?

And what’s wrong with “acclimating your kids to the bushah of asking,” as one respondee wrote? We don’t want to erode the natural bushah they have of lying for example. But this is a mitzvah! There’s a reason it says that those that collect for aniyim shine like the stars! It can be humiliating! Praise them if they go through bushah for a mitzvah!

Teach them safety rules before they go. Tell them not to knock too late or too long. And that they should never be aggressive or pushy. And perhaps you don’t want them going. You’re the mother. You have to be comfortable. But don’t bash the mitzvah. The person that needs the organization’s help I hope won’t ever be you.

Name Withheld

This Is Neglect [Second Sight / Issue 982]

I’m writing in response to the fictional story of a mother who was struggling to provide the basic needs for their children because of poor executive functioning, as well as to a subsequent letter. One of the letters noted that the mother was “struggling to juggle her children, home, and job to the point where her home was borderline dysfunctional.”

What the story really described was “childhood neglect,” not borderline dysfunctionality, from both parents (not just the mother), which is an act of omission — failure to do something — as opposed to abuse, which is an act of commission. Neglect is a widely documented topic, can lead to serious developmental deficits both physically and psychologically, and is one of the most prevalent forms of childhood maltreatment.

I also wanted to point out that when the school secretary called the children’s grandmother to discuss the situation, it entailed a breach of confidentiality for a member of staff to be discussing a student with anyone other than the parents/guardians even if they have a personal relationship with the family outside of the school setting. Secondly, all those employed in a school (including office staff) are duty bound to report any concerns to the school safeguarding lead who will then take action as appropriate, which may or may not include making referrals to external agencies.

To me, the point of this piece of fiction was to highlight the topic of neglect and to think about how we deal with it as a community in a helpful, timely, and responsible manner.

Dr. L. Kagan

Chartered Clinical Psychologist, UK

Refreshing [Family Living / Issue 982]

I wanted to say how much I enjoyed the new “Elevated Style” column with tzniyus and classy clothing recommendations. It felt practical and clear, with real ideas that women can actually use. It didn’t feel over-the-top, just thoughtful and doable. What really stood out to me was the message that we can be both tzniyus and stylish, and that the two don’t clash. I feel that topic isn’t spoken about enough. The article showed that looking polished and put together doesn’t take away from our values as a bas Yisrael and it can actually enhance them. That balance hasn’t really been highlighted in the magazine before, and it was refreshing to see.

Malka Cohen

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 985)