What can I do about my four-year-old daughter’s lying?

Q:

I’m hoping you can offer some guidance. My four-year-old daughter has started lying quite often. For example, she’ll say she washed her hands when I know she didn’t. How should I respond in those moments? I want to teach her that honesty matters, but I also don’t want her to feel shamed or like I don’t trust her. What’s the best way to address this in a way that encourages trust and honesty between us?

A:

IF you ask a child whether or not they performed an unwanted task (like brushing their teeth, washing their hands, doing their homework, and so on), they may lie about having done it. Children under six are more prone to do this than others, but it’s common even in older kids and teens. There are even grown adults who will lie about having paid a bill or completed some other task, hoping that they can get it done before the lie is caught. Most people — at any age — have told small lies of convenience (despite the fact that doing so is wrong and forbidden).

For instance, very young children often lie to get positive attention. They see that people are quite responsive to their imaginative stories and, with their age-appropriate blurring of reality and fantasy, they may just innocently tell tall tales for their instant impact. This age group can also lie just to get out of a situation (like having to wash their hands), without realizing that diverging from the truth is a morally reprehensible act.

School-age kids routinely lie pragmatically. Their goal may be to avoid negative consequences (“No, I wasn’t the one who took the special chocolates”), gain advantage (“My father is the richest man in the world”), or avoid unpleasant feelings like embarrassment (“Of course I passed the test, why wouldn’t I?”). Teens and adults do this sort of lying as well, although the issues they lie about tend to change with age. Teens lie to protect their privacy and independence (“I was still at school at six o’clock”), as well as to avoid “getting into trouble.” They know their lying is wrong.

Adults lie to achieve, gain, or to avoid conflict around financial, relationship, and workplace issues. Such lies can be small or hugely consequential, all serving to further one’s personal goals. Finally, there are some people who, due to mental health issues, lie frequently across different settings in order to manipulate, trick, or harm others. Guiltless lying associated with substance abuse or behavioral problems such as aggression, stealing, unethical, and/or illegal behavior is likewise frequently associated with mental health issues. In short, most lying is just an inappropriate attempt to avoid discomfort or achieve some benefit, while a very small percentage of lying is a symptom associated with mental illness.

Now let’s return to your four-old-daughter. She’s a little girl who doesn’t understand the importance of certain tasks like handwashing. To her, such activities seem like unnecessary work and are best avoided. When you ask her if she’s done them, she says yes to avoid being sent to do them now. This strategy has worked for her enough times to make it her new go-to technique for avoiding tasks she doesn’t want to do.

You clearly don’t trust that your daughter performs these tasks because, although you sent her to do them, you ask her whether she’s done them. “Did you wash your hands?” is a question that should never be asked. If you told her to do this task, then trust that she did it. If you don’t trust that she’ll do it when you ask her to, then you shouldn’t be sending her off to do it in the first place. Instead, if you want her hands washed, take her to the sink to wash them.

You can’t establish trust with a child when you’re essentially saying, “I asked you to wash your hands, but I strongly suspect that you didn’t do that so I’m going to ask you to admit that you didn’t do it.” Establish trust by not checking up on your child. If checking up is necessary, your child isn’t ready to perform the task independently, so don’t ask her to!

Similarly, if your daughter is simply reporting to you that she did what you asked her to do (wash her hands) even though you haven’t asked her about this, just say, “great” rather than, “Really? I didn’t hear the water running....” And since you don’t believe her, follow the same protocol: Going forward (until she is more mature), take her to do the handwashing rather than send her to do it independently.

In addition to solving your daughter’s need to lie, you can also address the fact she chose to lie. If you know for sure that she’s not speaking the truth, you can say something like, “Sweetie, always tell Mommy the truth because this is what Hashem wants. You can just say, ‘I didn’t wash my hands yet,’ and Mommy will be very happy that you told her that.”

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 985)