While parenting challenges will arise, we can stay in the driver’s seat and give our teens the gift of an empowered parent

Illustrations: Karen Keet

When Chavi’s kids were young, answering their questions was easy: “How do birds stay up in the air?” “Why is candy bad for our teeth?” She could swing that.

But once her oldest daughter Shevy became a teen, she floundered. When Shevy complained about her school’s technology rules, or challenged her with questions on tzniyus, Chavi felt inadequate and helpless.

Rina’s teenage daughter Sari didn’t have an easy time academically, and the high school social scene was challenging for her as well. Some days were good, but other times Sari came home in a terrible mood.

When this happened, Rina would immediately try to find solutions to the problems. But Sari would be in no mood for such a conversation, and invariably the communication would end in disaster — with both of them feeling bad about Sari’s difficult day.

Shoshi’s son Ari had always been a handful. As he got older, she felt less and less confident dealing with his outbursts. When Ari would begin shouting or talking aggressively, Shoshi would go into “passive mode,” allowing him to do or have whatever he wanted in order to “keep the peace.” She knew she was allowing Ari’s aggression to control her, but she had no idea what to do about it.

“The first thing every parent needs to know is that building positive communication and a deep relationship with teen children is a genuine challenge,” says Mrs. Deborah Saunders, a therapist and parenting coach in Manchester, UK. “But what parents also need to know is that it’s absolutely possible.”

Mrs. Saunders gives workshops to parents, showing them how to develop positive relationships with their teenage children. The techniques she teaches are an outgrowth of her work with teenage clients in her private practice.

“Topics like self-regulation, processing moods, trusting yourself, resilience — these were tools and skills I was guiding teens in, over and over, in individual sessions,” she says. “I figured, why not collate the material and present it to a broader audience? That way, every teen can access these important life skills and dramatically enhance their emotional well-being.”

That was the impetus for her recently released book Teen Power for Girls — 9 Secrets to Confidence and Success (Adir Press 2021). At the same time, Mrs. Saunders began delivering the material in schools, workshop-style. The more she worked with the teen population, the more she heard from their parents — their questions, their concerns, their worries.

Eventually, Mrs. Saunders began coaching parents in how to best communicate with their struggling teens. “That’s when I thought, again, that instead of giving over the same information over and over to individual clients, I should present it as a course, to groups,” she says. “Also, courses would be more accessible to everyone. A teen shouldn’t have to be in crisis and come for therapy for the parents to be able to learn effective techniques to improve their relationship.”