As time passed, it became very clear that our ideas of support and the Schwartzes’ were very different

Mordche: I wish I could help you out, but I can’t mislead my friend.

Zehava: We support the couple by ourselves — and you feel it’s not enough?

Mordche

I can’t say it was exactly a surprise when Eli broke the news. We’d seen it coming for a while.

“...second seder in this yeshivah, they pair the bochurim up with avreichim, you know, to help them out.” Eli coughed. “They, uh, they compensate very nicely. It’s been a bit much for Leah, her work, the baby, everything. So I, I think I’m going to try it.”

“Of course, Eli, you need to do what’s right for your family,” Shaindy said smoothly.

My mouth was clamped tightly shut; it was a good thing both of us were on the call. One of us had to say the right things, be supportive, reassure Eli that his decision was sound — even while we were fuming inside.

Not at Eli. Of course not. He didn’t have a choice anymore, not with a family to support. But—

“How could they?” I yelped, as soon as the call ended. “They promised him support, they promised us, he wanted to sit and learn — they knew that! And now he’s had to give it all up, first his evening seder, and now he’s talking about the afternoons...”

Shaindy bit her lip. “Maybe it’s a bit our own fault. We never asked them for amounts. We just expected...”

We’d had this conversation before. Several times, in fact, in the two years since Eli got married.

When Eli had gotten engaged to Leah Schwartz, we couldn’t believe our good fortune. The kallah was a wonderful girl, sweet, refined, and warm — just what Eli was looking for. Her family was well-off — in a completely different financial bracket than ours — and her parents graciously offered to help the young couple out financially while Eli was in kollel, without making a single demand on us.

“I can’t believe how lucky we are,” Shaindy kept saying, throughout the engagement. “I mean, making a wedding is huge, and here they’re taking almost everything on their own shoulders — and they’re not asking us to contribute at all toward supporting the couple after the chasunah!”

We couldn’t have afforded to give much in any case, and we have three daughters after Eli, so all in all, the Schwartzes’ undemanding approach was a huge bonus for us.

The young couple flew off to Eretz Yisrael and settled down. Eli was a serious learner, committed to living the kollel life for as long as he possibly could. Although many young couples end up moving back after a year or two, I was sure Eli and Leah would make it work long-term — they were both so idealistic, so committed. And most importantly, they were being supported by Leah’s parents.

Or so we thought.